Whaaaaaatt?! A star athlete thinks he can get into bars without paying a cover charge?!  Noooo way!! OMG!! WTF?!!?!!?!

?!?!?!!!!!!!!

This recent piece from Sports Illustrated is kind of just a compilation of a bunch of people tattling about what an asshole Ben Roethlisberger is. Shock me, shock me, shock me.

The thing I take issue with?

It’s a little too heavy on the, “Whine cry cry, Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t tip! Pout bitch moan. Tantrum.” And a little light on the, “Ben Roethlisberger might have raped someone so let’s raise a dialogue about whether or not criminal cases are investigated differently when the accused is a pro athlete.”

Instead, Sports Illustrated includes shit like this:

The 20-year-old GCSU student and others in her group of sorority sisters were wearing name tags of a sexual nature—the accuser’s read dtf, short for Down to F—-. Witnesses said the woman was visibly intoxicated at Capital City, and one told police that the accuser had been “obsessed” with Roethlisberger’s arrival in town.

Cut and dry. First of all, she’s in a sorority, so there’s already the historical precedent of women in the Greek system being slutbags. Wear a T shirt with little triangles on it? Whore.

Second of all, she was clearly asking for whatever actually did transpire. Going out on the weekend? Drinking at a bar? This isn’t Amsterdam, little girl.

And let’s not forget the name tag with “DTF” written on it. Everyone knows whatever you put in writing is automatically true forever and ever, amen. You wrote it down. In ink. That means you can’t take it back. How do you think I ended up becoming a dolphin trainer/astronaut/princess when I grew up? A first-grade writing assignment, that’s how.

So, sorry. No can do. You can’t be an Indian Giver of promiscuity.

All of this leads to one conclusion: Drinking socially with someone instantly implies sexual consent.

Case motherfucking closed. Now let’s get these hoes back to the bikini photo shoot where they belong.